Today is my third, Mother’s Day as a childless mother. Jason’s death left me unsure of what my role is and of who I am now I have no child. They say when a husband dies a wife becomes a widow, when a father dies a child becomes an orphan and there is no name for a parent when their child dies. 41 years being called mum by my son and being referred to as Jason’s mother by my husband, family and friends, then to have that name and role and those references abruptly end was utterly unreal; an added devastation, a source of grief. It has taken 33 months to know I am still a mother, I feel like a mother, I’ve still got stretch marks from my only pregnancy, I have my memories of Jason’s childhood, his adolescence, his adulthood memories of me as a mother making good decisions and bad, there are photos, family stories and letters to document the fact. I am a mother.
My mini masterpiece today is in no way a reflection of motherhood. It is the result of another day of me pressing myself into action. One day closer to establishing a habit of following through with a project. If I can do thirty days of art trading cards, I can do many things.
Suki Lang 
Hi Jason’s Mom,
I went to high school with Jason and I even met you once or twice when I helped Jason with his math in grade 9 or 10. You took me (and Jason) for fish and chips as a thank you. Back then I can remember thinking the two of you had such a great relationship and that you had such a warm, cozy home (the kind I love best). I learned of Jason’s death about a year after it happened and I couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I hadn’t seen him since high school but it seemed so wrong for him to be gone at such a young age. He was someone who everyone liked. Anyway, I had wanted to reach out to you back then so I must have followed your blog because here you are posting your fabulous art trading cards and it’s popping up in my feed. I love what you are doing. I also can’t quite imagine your pain except to only know it is great. If I can’t wrap my head around Jason’s death then what must you be going through? So, today, with your Mother’s Day post it felt right to be the day to finally send you a note. Happy Mother’s Day to you because you are a mother and always will be. Jason lives on in a lot of people’s hearts and memories.
Thank you so much Karen, your note was received with complete joyful happiness. This is what I love, people who recall Jason and reach out to me letting me know he is thought of. Jason had so many female friends throughout his life and you were obviously one…. I come from a family of all girls, and my sisters, his 5 aunts and his 17 female cousins were a big influence in his life, and shaped his comfort with and love of the female gender. His first really “best” friend is female, Keri Langley, also from the South Surrey area. I loved him bringing friends home, especially you girls who brought a gentle, calm, different kind of energy than he and his male friends had with their wrestling around. Those are days I miss.
His absence has left us lonely and utterly shattered and at the same time seeking and being open to the pleasure of happy moments as they arrive. An ancient Chinese proverb….”Be an open bowl that some opportunity may fall in”.
I checked out your blog and like what you do. I see we have the Union Jack flag in common, did you notice I paint Union Jack tables and other small furniture. Anytime you want to brighten someone’s day just write to me and know you will have made mine very special, again. Thank you so much for reaching out on this Mother’s Day! It has left me feeling cared for and about…both my husband, Roy, and I are grateful.
Susan
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Oh, Susan. I am glad you enjoyed the note. I imagine days like Mother’s Day are extremely difficult ones. Loss, especially one so great (it all hurts but I think the loss of a child has to be the hardest), is such a terrible thing to figure out how to move on from. It feels good to have brightened your day if only a little.
I remember Keri Langley but only vaguely. I believe she went to Earl Marriott so I didn’t have much opportunity to get to know her. I think I may have met her at a beach party or two way back then. It sounds like Jason was surrounded by females. ha ha. I am sure that was a big part of his ability to get along so well with everybody. Jason was one of those people that didn’t stay in just one group. He was friendly with everyone no matter who you were.
I imagine you miss those days so much. I have a three year old and I try to stay present and enjoy every minute although sometimes it is challenging. I know that one day I will miss these days, too (hopefully not as extremely as you do) so I talk myself through the challenges. For the most part it works.
That is a great proverb. I like it. It also reminds me a little of the quote I hold onto by Joseph Campbell “follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls”. It is true, too, that having devastating moments does make you that much more aware of the happy ones. I admire you greatly for trying and I do think that the simple 30 days of art cards is a brilliant idea. I have never been able to meditate either but also find that in creating I go to an almost meditative state (this doesn’t always work with a three year old, ha ha). I really do think that creating can be so healing.
Yes! I love your Union Jack tables! I, too, like to find old, sad furniture (although we don’t have the space so I don’t so much these days) and make it into something lovely. I just started my blog and my Etsy shop a couple of months ago. I used to work in an office but it wasn’t the place for me. So I hope to be able to paint some pieces or make other things to sell. I love to do it, I can do it while being at home with my daughter and it gives them a home for them, too (like you say in your post …I can’t keep every piece I make!)
Thank you for writing back. I enjoyed hearing from you, too.
Happy Day,
Karen