Mother’s Day 2012

Happy Mother’s Day to you.  This was another first for me – being without a child of my own to get a hug from.  (Sadly not even our grand girls called or came by…. a topic for another blog perhaps).  The week leading up to Mother’s Day was actually fine.  I knew what to expect but when the day was here it was like being in a rudderless boat.

Now I should say here, Jason was not the most reliable when it came to pinning him down for a visit on Mother’s Day.  He always called though, and came along sometime during the day.  In his youth he brought along a bouquet of flowers, picked en-route, regaling me with a verbal picture of the amazing garden he had swiped them from.  Pleased to see him and to get the flowers we would talk gardens and I would provide food, I loved to watch him eat!

When he had children of his own it would be an early morning stop for pancakes allowing the girls mother to sleep in.  Last year he came all on his own, I’m not sure if it was exactly on Mother’s Day but it was our Mother’s Day visit; by then he was sick and on chemo too.   He drove us to the beach for a walk and talk, this was one of the last times he drove me in his truck, he was wearing an orange T shirt.

getting past go…

This past weekend was spent travelling to a memorial tea for a friends mother, Rose.  Each time word of a death reaches my ear I am griped in an almost physical hold so tight I can hardly get a clear breath.  No matter the age or circumstances my heart breaks for those left behind.

While Jason was ill he asked me not to weep, saying it (his illness) was about him, not me.  He asked me to keep a clear head so I could be cheerful and offer support and speak of him as a man who would live forever.  And I did and in my heart he will be with me forever.  Well now his departure from my life is definitely all about me.   

Each of us who grieve for him hold our grief as separate and personal to us alone.  We are in one big house called grief; separated by the walls of the rooms we are in.  We hear each other grieve and the walls we have erected  prevent reaching out enough to touch or lend comfort to one another.  Our pain is our own and moving beyond it to find joy, that is the challenge.  Doing all the things that once brought smiles and quilt free pleasure.  Taking a step, moving in a forward motion, making a start and Getting past go…